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Seguel forward to the current high season and I am constantly being amazed by the amounts of the folding stuff people are prepared to part with in order to gain some misguided bragging right of saying they ‘shagged’ the best-looking chrome pole hugger in a particular den. Perhaps, more to the point, it’s how often they are willing to continue handing over enough wedge to choke an elephant to the same damsel in the misguided belief they are somehow also opening a path to what may pass for a heart in the vast majority of these mattress actresses.

I have no problem with many of the dens putting up their bar fines during the silly season to 1,000 baht or more. After all, they make their real money from selling booze, not from selling little shaven or partially-bushed felines. An empty den of dancers means an empty den of imbibers.

I don’t know what amazes me more, the amounts being demanded by the over-inflated egos of the shufflers or the willingness of so many sex-starved customers to part with so much moolah once their small head takes control of their brain. And it’s not the old farts who are necessarily coughing up the large amounts, most in excess of 3,000 baht for an evening of organ reciting, many of the younger visitors (aged between 20 and 30) seem to be so desperate to be seen parading about with a good sort on their arms they’re prepared to pay through the nose for the dubious privilege.

Of course, as I’ve always said, the job of the mattress actresses is to extract as much money as they possibly can from as many walking wallets in the shortest time possible for the least amount of effort. Good luck to them. If there are males out there who really think handing over large amounts of legal tender (in comparison to the real cost of living in Thailand, not Mayfair, London) to nubile young rice farmers daughters this will somehow endear themselves to the recipients then they’re living in a parallel universe to the real world.

Obsessed About Noise: It seems as if the latest in what appears to be a trend in opening packed-lunch-in-a-dress dens, this one called Obsessions (Pattayaland Soi 2), is upsetting the neighbours. Located in the Penthouse sleeping palace and next door to the Kittens gogo, the music coming out of the place is allegedly at a decibel level designed to send punters inside the place deaf, while making normal conversation in the open-air joints across the soi increasingly difficult. I received a complaint about the alleged noise from long-time Fun Town resident Terry, the operator of the popular Shamrock beer boozer and noshery, which is located diagonally opposite Obsessions. Terry claims repeated requests to turn the volume down to acceptable levels fall on deaf ears. Perhaps this is no surprise, they are probably asking long-term employees of the said den who are now reduced to lip reading. He also claims Thai staff physically assaulted more than one of Terry’s customers who have taken the trouble to go across and ask for the din to be declined. From all accounts both Obsessions and Kittens are not well patronised and so the staff from these venues have plenty of time on their idle hands.

A Place to Get Wasted: In the interests of promoting healthy livers and responsible drinking I shouldn’t really mention this, but the Taboo gogo (Soi 16, off Walking Street) has what they call sambuca Sundays and then follow-up with tequila Tuesdays. You’ve been warned.

Expanding the Waistline: A couple of months ago the ever-thinking management of the Heaven Above gogo (Soi Diamond) gave the interior of the den a few tweaks at the edges by pushing the wet bar back through a side wall and also made a separate booth for the DJ at the rear. This increased their seating capacity by about 10-15 percent, a major plus for the bar. On a recent chrome pole molesting inspection I have to say there was one lady of sullied virtue who, by any yardstick, rated a 10 out of 10, at least under UV lighting.


Two Years of X: Down in the Covent Garden Complex in Soi 16 the X-Zone gogo celebrated its second anniversary with a big party on 21 December. The den has a good happy hour with all libations at just 50 baht, apparently this includes imported bottles of amber liquid and breezers. After 2:00AM the bar fine for dancing damsels drops to just 300 baht, a move pioneered by the New Living Dolls 1 chrome pole palace (Walking Street) and since adopted by a few other places with, so I’m led to believe, quite good results.

I know X-Zone recruited a new mamasan and along with her came a clutch of professional pole dancers, but by the time you read this the ever-changing vagaries of the Fun Town bar scene may mean there’s a new mob bounding about the rather cavernous interior. Still, given the value of its happy hour it is probably worth at least a thirst-quencher or two to check it out.

A Stitch in Time: I have seen some strange occurrences in dens of the chrome pole, but recently the Baby Dolls establishment (Soi 15, off Walking Street) held a birthday/New Years party and, I swear this is true, one customer spent literally hours sat, mostly by himself, engaged in the fine art of knitting. Let me set the scene if I can. Here is a den, filled with happily slurping customers, where a platoon of chrome pole molesters are on the main stage wearing scarcely enough clothing to keep the chills of the air-conditioning at bay; where a squad of ladies armed with soft rubber implements are either reddening the exposed cheeks of other dancers or using their tongues to clean, cat-like, the intimate cavities of their sisters; where a trio of birthday-suited belles are engaged in both individual and collective ablutions in a Jacuzzi big enough to float a 12-metre racing yacht, and we have a man who spent his entire time knitting.

He reminded me of a cross between a Hobbit and a stereotypical pervert (and I mean this in the nicest way), so perhaps his stitch-one, pearl-one activities were some kind of therapy recommended by a Harley Street specialist as a way of overcoming an addiction to glossy stroke magazines featuring garishly-dressed female garden gnomes. Of course he could just have been trying to give up smoking and needed to keep his hands full. Personally, I could find a far more tactile and interesting method of keeping my hands full, and it wouldn’t mean there’d be any chance of dropping a stitch. He did manage to complete a minor creation: a light-blue crocheted brassiere, which he presented to the mamasan. Throughout all this he never removed a giant shoulder bag, which may well have contained all his worldly goods. Having presented the bra, he dug into his bag of goodies, pulled out another ball of wool and started work on a new ensemble.

Changing the subject slightly, if there is one complaint about Baby Dolls it’s the large television screen being located behind the Jacuzzi. How are socceraholics supposed to watch a match between, say, Accrington Stanley and Charlton Athletic, or Knobhead United and Wanchor City, when there are two or three young, sexy, fully-lathered ladies wearing nothing but eye-makeup as they fiddle with their interesting bits blocking their view? It’s enough to make you take up knitting.

Around the Poles: Located as it is in the depths of Soi BJ, off Walking Street, it’s no surprise to hear the E gogo, styled as a Goth chrome pole palace, doesn’t do much business in the early hours of the evening at least. If you are wondering about the location, just follow any male you see on Walking Street wearing black clothes, heavy silver jewellery, black eye make-up and lipstick.

The former Climax head-bangers beer boozer (Walking Street) has been remodelled and turned into a den of the chrome pole and named Magic Palace (because your money disappears faster than you can say som dtam perhaps?).

The Blue Angel gogo (Soi 7) has managed to stay open for far longer than many would have thought. I can’t really give much of an appraisal of the place because when I last looked in there were three or four bored-looking dancers of ample girth on the stage and it had all the ambience of a mortuary. Could have been an off night I guess, but the ‘blue’ in the name was certainly the impression it gave me.

In the same blue vein, the only other distaff gogo in the soi, Silver Star III, might boast a Jacuzzi (ho hum, another one), but its complement of dancers could certainly do with some radical dietary advice.

Piece of Pith: ‘Sometimes I fear going home to Boots and Woolworths and cafeterias, and I’d be a stranger now even in the White Horse.’ (taken from Our Man in Havana, Graham Greene)

]]> Pattaya Nightmarch http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=86 Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:40:18 +0600 Pattaya Nighmarch, 7th December 2007 http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=85 Give Me Some Hot Stuff Baby This Evening: I don’t know if the word ‘sophistication’ and ‘Pattaya’ can realistically be used in the same sentence when referring to night (and afternoon, for that matter) entertainment venues employing damsels of easy virtue, but there really seems to be a sea-change shift in much of the newer places opening about Fun Town.

By no means would I call the Hotties Club, which officially opened its sliding doors for business with a big bash on Saturday night 1 December, ‘sophisticated’, but I would call it ‘fun’. The joint, another of the strangely-named coyote dance clubs, is situated at the back of the new beer boozer complex located almost opposite Mike Shopping Mall on Second Road. My understanding is the entire area has in fact been put together by the eponymous Mike.

It was standing room only as you can imagine at the opening, but I would think it will do quite well in the long run as its floor-to-ceiling windows allow punters to watch what’s going on in the beer boozers as well as the action in the air-conditioned den. The place is owned by the well-known Khun Lek, the operator of the long-running Classroom 2000 gogo and Honeypot shake-your-butt club in Soi 2. This is the furthest south Lek and her sister Khun Toy have ventured in their bar-operating career for some time, but they have a friendly foreign manager, a live band playing good older popular music, a DJ who also spins discs that would be familiar to most people, and, most importantly, plenty of ladies of nocturnal habits and professional acumen. Most are friendly and interact with the customers. Libations are reasonably priced with house liver wasters at 95 baht.

Going to the Devil and Back: It’s very hard to recommend a place you’ve only had a strictly business-style relationship with (no sniggering, it’s true, despite the rumours going around), but I think I’m fairly safe in suggesting the Hell Club in Soi LK Metro is well worth investing an hour-and-a-half of your precious time, especially if you are into trios and energetic activities involving mattresses, baby oil, rubber tools and the odd electrical appliance. I have two friends -this fact comes as a great shock to most people I might add- who have enjoyed the very hands-on facilities and activities offered by the ladies employed in the Hell Club and since the management offer a ‘satisfaction guaranteed or your money back’ deal then it really is worth a look. They also cater to the odd fetish or two, although if you’d like to have a lady play John Philip Sousa’s ‘Star and Stripes Forever’ on a mouth organ while dressed as an Argentine admiral you may have to come back another time. Just be aware if you do want to check out the lying-in facilities you’ve got to be well and truly ‘up for it’, as my Pommy mates say.

No More Kitty Litter: Lanky Bob, who first started propping up an end of an gogo bar way back in about 1995, sold his share in the Catz agogo(Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) at the end of October to a young American investor. The Birmingham, England native may well have put his cue in the rack but when I asked him what his future plans might entail he said he certainly wouldn’t be doing anything for at least six months, although he has given up smoking. During the course of conversation he did use the words ‘gay’ and ‘bar’ in the same sentence, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t completely turned turtle and become an uphill gardener in his dotage.

Cheapest in Town? The New Living Dolls 1 gogo (Walking Street) can probably lay claim to the cheapest and longest (in terms of time per night) happy hours in Fun Town. The den kicks into life around 8:00PM and the happy hour offers libations from draught amber, house liver wasters and Thai rotgut for just 39 baht. I don’t know how they’re making any money at that price, with most other happy hours around town being more in the 45-55 baht range. The line-up of dancing damsels is a pretty good one compared to a lot of other places, although most are hard-core veterans in terms of time spent in the bar-finable trenches. They, like most chrome pole huggers who’ve spent a few months or even years honing their wallet-emptying skills can pick a potential ‘mark’ within four and a half seconds of the punter traversing the threshold.

Beware the Makeup Artists: Down in Soi LK Metro the Champagne agogo remains a popular venue, and it seems to be even more so since the back area was renovated. There are plenty of dancing damsels, with seven or eight on stage at any one time in various stages of undress. Liver wasters are 100 baht, bottled Singha beer is 90 baht, and standard lady drinks 95 baht. The management organises a free pizza night every Wednesday and Friday, until 1:00AM. It’s a reasonably friendly den, which I think is one reason it does quite well, even though the ‘quality’ of chrome pole molester is fairly average. As any regular Fun Town den lurker knows, a darkish room and UV light can hide a multitude of less-than-alluring physical traits, as a mate found to his chagrin when he took a lithe dancer from Champagne back to his room for an organ-grinding session. She looked pretty good in the bar, but once the makeup came off he thought he’d paid the bar for Methuselah’s elder sister. Nice lady as he said, just that she had a head like a robber’s dog.

Down the road in the same soi the weirdly-named Gorkle was dead. There was one customer in the joint and about six or eight bored-looking dancers. This was quite surprising considering it was about 11:00PM on a Saturday night when I stuck my melon through the door. It could have been an ‘off’ night I suppose, but the place was completely bereft of any ambience.

Tales from the Crib: One of my ever-tumescent friends recently had a great mattress actress experience with a young lady of loose morals who he found cavorting about in the recently-opened Insomnia Club (Soi Diamond). While he was engaged in the standard game of playing hide-the-salami the lady’s phone rang. She looked at the number, placed her fingers to her lips and told my friend to be quiet, as the call (at around 3:00AM mind you) was from her English boyfriend. She answered in the sweet way of one who has the sounds of honesty and sincerity down to a fine art (insert the name of any politician here). While she was assuring her dribbling paramour of undying love and devotion my friend told me he decided to spend the time exploring the region between the young lady’s legs with his tongue, an act commonly referred to in medical journals, dictionaries, and sophisticated stroke magazines wrapped in plastic as cunnilingus (this is not to be confused with the Irish national airline Aer Lingus). Now, so far no one reading this should be surprised. After all, this has to be one of the oldest of stories, but what makes it just a little more interesting is the 50-something boyfriend kept ringing the girl every 40-50 minutes until after 6:00AM. She kept insisting she was home in bed tucked up with her sister and a nice bowl of noodles, while in reality she was acting out moves from the Kama Sutra and chewing on a lump of meat. The moral of the story: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck, not Florence Nightingale with a halo.

One of these days I’m going to write yet another book and put all these stories in it as a collection and call it Gullible’s Travels.

Mamasan Memo: It appears as though the Club Boesche gogo (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) has incurred the wrath of the Steering Committee of the Pattaya Chrome Pole Molesting Collective. In a recent memo sent to members it states: ‘It has come to our attention that one of the mamasans working in Club Boesche does not possess the requisite age and physical attributes of such a position as defined by the Trade Descriptions Act (BE 2500). The Act states a mamasan must be old, fat, and, preferably, ugly. Our sources tell us the mamasan in Club Boesche is relatively young, lithe of body, and facially attractive. We demand the management of this establishment immediately rectify this disgusting state of affairs.’

Piece of Pith: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve travelled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

]]> Pattaya Nightmarch http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=85 Thu, 27 Dec 2007 05:42:59 +0600 Best in Bed, Bangkok Post http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=82
Second in the poll of 10,000 women in 50 countries were Swedish men, who are too quick.

Men from the Netherlands were third worst because they are too rough.

Americans (too dominant) were fourth, followed by Welsh men (too sentimental), Scots (too loud) and Turks (too sweaty). English men were tenth (too chubby). The women were quizzed on social networking site WAYN.com.

Spokesman Peter Ward said: ''Who would have thought Welshmen were better lovers than Swedes? But I would remind girls, it takes two to tango.''

Italian men were voted the best lovers followed by males from France, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, Spain, Denmark, New Zealand, Brazil and Canada.

- Bangkok Post

]]> General http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=82 Tue, 11 Dec 2007 17:59:30 +0600 Music Makes a-Go-Go http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=81
He also noted the manager was an extremely personable character. I offer this to other readers who may not have ventured into this establishment as a potential new watering hole of the bar-stool variety. The email simply reinforces my earlier point: there are well over 750 beer bars scattered the length and breadth of Fun Town, compared with 10 percent that number in ogling dens.

It is simply beyond the scope of this columnist to scour the sois and main drags of this oversized village and note ( A ) all the best outside places with stunning or attractive young ladies of dubious virtue and ( B ) become acquainted with every owner/manager of these same places.

I offered up a small number of beer bars whose owners and managers I know reasonably well as examples only, not as set-in-concrete recommendations at the exclusion of all others. When it comes to outdoor recreation establishments, I suggest readers find places in which they feel comfortable and recommend them to their friends and others.

The grapevine in Fun Town is faster than a speeding bullet so any new ‘hot’ place is soon on many peoples’ lips and will attract new customers faster than ants to a picnic.

Music to My Ears: What do the following gogos have in common: Tim, Tahitian Queen, Tahitian Queen II, Club Oasis, and Champion?

I know some people will say that in the case of at least three of the aforementioned it is the bog-standard quality of dancing damsels. I wouldn’t disagree, and yet despite that major negative, they all do extremely well as far as attracting regular customers. Others might suggest a cheap happy hour, and yet almost all the dens of Fun Town offer discounted libations at some point of the day or night.

All of the dens, apart from Club Oasis, have been operating in the Pattaya nightlife mill for more years than many of us care to remember. And there’s no doubt Club Oasis has already become one of the most popular dens in the city in the relatively short time it’s been open. The answer to the question I posed at the start of the paragraph is: good music.

The claim usually put forward by those too lazy to be bothered with actually doing something to improve their place is the gogo huggers can’t dance to anything other than car alarm. When you then look around the stage and point out that at least eight of the 10 or so so-called ‘dancers’ are merely shuffling to the car alarm currently being played anyway, it begs the question as to whether they'd be any worse if the lobotomised DJ was compelled to play some real music.

Let me stress that I would hate to see every den in Fun Town suddenly start playing the same 60s and 70s rock and roll. It’s bad enough sitting near an outside beer bar when the band in the next place decides to do its version of ‘Smoke on the Water’ or ‘Gorky Park’. I know, for example, if I want to hear a raft of tunes from the Bat Out of Hell album by Meatloaf all I need do is make sure I’m sitting in Tim ogling den at around 10:30PM on most nights. I’ve said it before, the music is great in Tim’s but I do think it’s about time the management spent a couple of hundred baht and purchased a few more DVDs to add a little variety to the soundtrack.

One of the reasons I decided to write about the music in the dens, again, is at the request of a couple of regular readers who live in Pattaya and spend their nocturnal hours trawling places in the search for lithe-limbed talent. They tend to stick to a number of dens where they find the music to their taste. While they do move about and check out different venues, if the music is dreadful then they have one drink and go, and will return again maybe a month or two later.

If you think about it, most dancing damsels can spot a tight-fisted expat 2.7 seconds after he walks through the doors of the den, and unless he’s known as a ‘player’, he’ll probably be left alone by all but the most desperate or avaricious of wallet emptiers. So, while he and his mates want to be in the den for a little session of drinking and perving, he is more likely to notice the quality, or otherwise, of the music.

Empirical evidence suggests there is a reasonable number of expats and long-term visitors out there who decide to put a small clutch of dens on their ‘regular’ list because of the music. This means a pretty reasonable amount of regular money is spent in these dens over the course of a year. I’m not suggesting dens start playing Polka and Accordion classics or Dixieland Jazz, but putting a little more thought into the aural part of the sensory stimulation experience in an ogling den might just make a difference between a good night and a great night as far as the jangling of the till is concerned.

Number 19 Dream: One of the more pleasant characters operating a den of the gogo in Fun Town, Chuck Hinkel from Club Boesche (Soi 16, off Walking Street) became a father for the first time -at least as far as he is prepared to admit anyway- when his girlfriend Khun Boom gave birth to a healthy baby boy on 19 October. He has been given the name Jamie. Given the nocturnal nature of the ogling den caper I doubt Chuck is too concerned about sleepless nights.

Got a Whole Lotta Love: The ever-popular Windmill ogling den (Soi Diamond) played Led Zeppelin first hit single ‘Whole Lotta Love’ while the usual activities for which the play palace is well known took place on stage, in this case it looked like the graduating class from the Lickem-on-Toppe and Bottom School of Speaking in Tongues. I’d like to recommend ‘Over, Under, Sideways, Down’ by the Yardbirds as another suitable tune for these gynaecological activities. This den, and its larger cousin around the corner in Soi 15,

Baby Dolls, easily win the friendliest dancers in Fun Town stakes. While there may only be a few gogo shufflers who could be classified as star turns in terms of physical attractiveness, what I and many others like is the friendly banter evident in the dens. Very few customers I’m sure leave either place without having had some kind of inter-action with at least one or more of the den dwellers.

Back to ‘Normal’: Fun Town is clearly busy once again after one of the slowest and quietest low seasons on record. The annual Russian invasion is on and Walking Street is literally becoming Shuffle Street at certain times when the crowds are perambulating. Street-watching seats in the beer bars are always full, but many of the ogling dens are complaining that the greater numbers are not leading to packed houses inside their air-conditioned places. Nonetheless, takings in most of the dens are definitely on the up and I doubt we’ll see any of the joints closing their doors for at least the next five or six months, if at all.

Then there’s the nightly freak show on the pavements. For a long time there’s been a Thai man whose ability to do acrobatics with a soccer ball always attracts an interested crowd, and he probably makes more money in tips than half the beer bars of the city make in profits. The other night I stood and watched a brief but somewhat painful show with a man who had a young girl lying on the ground in a woven wrap attached to his long hair while another woman stood on his shoulders. The man then stood to his full height while balancing the girl on his shoulders and bringing the young girl up off the ground. Didn’t make a blind bit of sense or logic to me unless he is training for some mystical Eastern martial art and figured a bit of high season busking might score him a few extra baht from bemused passers-by.

It seems as if the annual plod morality play, which takes place during the low season months and always results in a few places being closed for contravening the letter of the law, has ended for the time being. Every ogling den is back to ‘normal’ in terms of many dancers caressing the gogo while wearing not much more than a smile and a pair of boots, while the shows involving soap and water are resulting in much cleaner crevices rather than flimsy apparel.

Piece of Pith: Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.
]]> Pattaya Nightmarch http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=81 Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:41:42 +0600 New Pattaya Forum with Live Cam Streams http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=80
A new venture is being developed at www.pattaya-live.com. Here businesses can have webcams installed by Pattaya Live that will beam live images from their venue onto the the Pattaya Live Forum.

This is a fantastic idea and something that I can't believe hasn't been thought of before. Many of the popular bars throughout Pattaya are being approached, in addition a certain amout of interest has been shown by Pattaya Go-Go establishments.

Whilst the cams obviously cannot be used to display 'nakedness', discreet siting of the cams will ensure that visitors can still see much of the 'fun'.

It's free to register, why not call over there now?

www.pattaya-live.com]]> General http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=80 Mon, 19 Nov 2007 04:54:29 +0600 Beer bar or gogo: up to you! http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=79
Given that there are around 900 bar beers across the length and breadth of Fun Town, and there are probably owners who come from about 30 countries, it stands to reason that boozers who have the Swedish flag hung from the rafters are probably hoping to attract Scandinavians rather than Germans and English; those with an English flag (the Cross of St George, not the Union Jack) are probably declaring their place as ‘off-limits’ to Germans and lost Japanese.

The owners and managers of these places may well be personable types and their boozers worthy of a libation or two on a regular basis, but language and cultural barriers mean the majority of their customer base centres around natives from their neck of the worldly woods.

My own feeling is most people reading this regular missive are primarily interested in the search for Miss Yai Bonkalot and her willing ensemble of damsels of loose morals rather than a beer boozer run by a garrulous German or a spirit-imbibing Finn with deep pockets and a wallet-load of personality.

This brings me to the second point regarding bar beers: the talent on display. Even the most one-eyed beer boozer owner will admit that while he can get plenty of older women of dubious virtue to man the beer pumps for a monthly salary and fixed working hours, the attractive younger brigade (that is, between 18 and 23-24 years old) prefer to front up if and when they feel like it. OK, so the booze bar owner saves on a salary.

The unwitting customer who spotted Miss Young and Stunningly Right for A Night while he was sat nursing an alcoholic refreshment at the beer boozer across the way the previous evening and decided to ‘play it cool’ by waiting 24-hours before pledging his troth (no, I don’t know what the f*ck that means either, but I read it somewhere once –in a Mills and Boon romance novel- and always wanted to use it in a column about ladies of the night),misses out because the apple of his small eye has decided she’d rather ply her freelance activities at a different beer boozer.

In other words, the good sort you spot at a beer boozer on Monday night at 9:00PM might not be there on Tuesday night at 7:00PM or any other hour of the evening on that night. It’s a fair bet that if the damsel you fancy is sitting on the outside of the boozer then she’s a freelancer rather than a salaried employee.

The best boozers have a combination of really personable owners (eg, Atlantic in Soi 3, Coral Reef, Best and Cherry in Soi 8, Lek in Soi 7, the Kennel in the lane between Pattayaland Soi 1 and 2, and, of course, the Boxing Roo on Third Road come to mind), reasonable prices for the ‘water that makes you legless’ (eg, Eagle in Soi 7 and Sailor in Soi 8), and can usually accrue and maintain a few attractive ladies prepared to spend an evening or two helping to reduce the bank balance of a walking wallet or ten.

I think the value for most people in frequenting bar beers is to build up a circuit of places where they are welcomed and become known to the owners or long-term staff and where they feel comfortable. What then happens is you become a regular and will spend a few nights a week or a month having a couple of thirst-quenchers while ogling what talent might just have taken up warming a bar stool for the evening.

Yes, many of the ladies dispensing alcohol and honing their Connect-4 skills at an outside establishment are worthy of getting to know in a more intimate fashion, but if I were to spend just a week wandering 20 or 30 of these places making copious notes about the numbers and locations of the best quality, by the time my social study has made it into print, probably three-quarters of the breeding stock will have moved to greener pastures or been locked into a long-term contract dispensing sexual favours for monetary recompense and readers will bombard me with irate missives demanding I have my eyes examined for the onset of glaucoma.

The Race that Stops a Nation: The Melbourne Cup, a horse race run over 3200 metres at Flemington on the first Tuesday in November every year (in 2007 the first Tuesday is the 6th), can be seen at the Boxing Roo beer boozer and porkpie hat emporium. Stalls will open at 10:30AM (yes, that’s in the morning), with the race getting underway at 11:00AM. Uncle Kenny says there will be food and prizes and for those who can stay the distance, the San Miguel Band will be belting out a few tunes later in the evening.

All Sisters Under the Skin: Although I went to the ‘soft’ opening in September, I hadn’t been into the new Sisterz gogo (Walking Street) since then because I wanted to give Rambling Ricky time to settle into some sort of groove. I wandered in on a recent Thursday night, through an entrance that put me in mind of an epileptic fit: all flashing lights and frosted glass.

The place had plenty of chrome pole huggers -I counted about 35- and while some were dressed in the standard g-string a number were sporting about as much material as it takes to make a slingshot. In fact, it was draped about their bodies in such a way as to leave very little to the imagination.

Those who remember the layout of the former Honey gogo would be quite impressed with the way the large space has been utilised, to such an extent it means a lot more people can pack in which gives the place a good atmosphere. There’s a happy hour from 8:00-9:00PM with Chang draught amber fluid, house liver wasters, lolly water, and Thai rotgut at just 35 baht. Outside of happy hour, Chang draught is the house special at 55 baht a glass while the standard fare for most thirst quenchers is 95 baht.

Around and About: Congratulations are in order for the owners of the Taboo gogo (Soi 16, off Walking Street) who celebrated their first anniversary with a party on Saturday night 20 October. There were plenty of people who thought Taboo would be lucky to survive the low season, but they’ve done just that and I wish them all the best for this coming high season and for their second year in a tough and unrelenting business.

Down in Soi Town-in-Town, off Central Pattaya Road, a new inside boozer called the Driving Range Golf Bar should just about be up and running by the time this edition hits the streets. Putting my Einstein cap on, I’ll take a wild guess and say the joint is run by golf tragics.

Just down from the deservedly popular Cherry noshery on Third Road (opposite the X-Zyte head-bangers auditorium), a former munching palace has been transformed into a boozer called Donovan’s. It looks like the owners have taken the much-abused Irish pub theme idea and, next thing you know, we have a bright green sign out front and, well, you know the rest.

Keeping with the Irish theme, the Oliver Twist English pub on Central Pattaya Road, opposite the Nova Lodge sleeping palace, has changed its name and has now become an Irish bog with the name Berrigans/Bannigans or something like that. I’d had a few too many libations of an alcoholic nature and couldn’t read my notes the next day, and I couldn’t be bothered wandering back to check the name of the joint. Suffice to say, Oliver Twist probably wasn’t getting ‘enough’ and I suppose the new name is designed to cash in on ‘the luck of the Irish’.

Piece of Pith: Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com
Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"
No reproduction without specific reference to: nightmarch@hotmail.com


]]> Pattaya Nightmarch http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=79 Thu, 1 Nov 2007 13:58:59 +0700 Pattaya Live Bands, Walking Street Area http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=78
The three we chose are "The Climax Bar" on Walking Street, "The Blues Factory" on Soi Lucky Star and "Lam Morrisons Rock Club" in the Soi Marine Plaza.

First off we called into "The Climax Bar". Being right beneath the huge "Polo Entertainment Venue", "The Climax Bar" is pretty hard to miss as you stroll along Walking Street. Though it looks pretty small from the outside, it is 'tardis-like' once you enter, with the band set up to the right and the best seating to the left.

Further back into the bar though, there are pool tables and extra seating ...... though sadly with no view of the stage area.

The club is well air-conditioned and the seating is comfortable. We sat immediately facing the stage as from certain other positions, the view is effected by pillars.

Drinks prices are very good, with Gin & Tonic being only 85 baht.

The band was in full flow as we took our seats and giving a 'steller' performance of "stairway to heaven". This was the 'full' version and I can honestly say that it was played to perfection. This being one of the classic songs from my teenage years, many was the times I listened to this song on 'repeat' through headphones in my bedroom ...... I know what it sounds like ...... the Climax Bands version was extremely accurate, but with just the right amount of 'flair' being shown by the 'lead guitarist', 'Peit'.

Peit, Lead Guitarist & Vocals, The Climax Bar, Walking Street, Pattaya

'Toy', Bass Guitar and Vocals.

Toy, Bass Guitar & Vocals, The Climax Bar, Walking Street, Pattaya

Whilst we could quite happily stayed at "The Climax Bar" , we really did want to visit The Blues Factory and "Lam Morrisons Rock Club" in order to get a good comparison of the three.

We finished our drinks and left a 100 baht tip for the band on the way out. Money well spent.

Only a short walk away on Soi Lucky Star we find "The Blues Factory" which shares an entrance with the infamous JP Bar. However, since the JP Bar doesn't really get going till around 4 or 5am access to "The Blues Factory" is unrescrited.

Entering into "The Blues Factory" you access a dimly lit and very 'moody' area. The Stage is the centre of attention, as it should be and all seats have a very good view of it.

We sat in the only free area, on the left hand side of the stage. Friday nights is apparently Ladies Night and the place was pretty busy with a mixture of Farang couples and escorted Farangs.

At the time we entered though, the seemed to be in the middle of a 'raffle' of sorts. Everytime you buy a drink you are given a 'ticket' and during the natural 'breaks', numbers are called out and the 'winners' receive cuddly toys and other 'rewards'.

To be honest, I don't really see the point of this, but i'm sure for regular visitors it all adds to the flavour, charactor and sociability of the bar.

Pretty soon the band returned to the stage. "The Blues Factory" actually has two bands The Blues Machine (a serious and top quality Blues Band) and the Rock Band. The Rock Band, I have heard, is still finding it's feet with it's new line up. It also positively 'welcomes' capable members from the audiance to participate in various capacities.

On this particualar night, a member of the audience accompanied the band on the 'mouth organ' .... he was actually pretty good.

Sadly however, the selection of songs being played where not really my 'cup of tea'. Once the band got into it's flow, they played a confusing version of Pink Floyds 'Another Brick in the Wall', followed imediately by 'Rolling Down the River'.

The female singer, Mary, was extremely 'animated' and professional in an 'over the top' way. But the crowd seemed to appreciate it and everybody else seemed to be enjoying their evening.

The price of a Gin & Tonic here was 135 baht (50 baht more than "The Climax Bar" ) and this added to the fact that I didn't really 'get' the music choice or the bands style made the decision to leave a relatively easy one. As I have said though, others in the bar seemed to having a good time. Taste is a relative thing.

Mary, Lead Vocals, The Blues Factory, Soi Lucky Star off Walking Street, Pattaya

Out of "The Blues Factory" and turn right into Soi Marine Plaza, here we find "Lam Morrisons Rock Club".

Lam Morrison used to be the 'Star Attraction' "The Blues Factory", earlier this year however (2007) he left to open his own Club and this was to be our first visit.

The layout and setup of "Lam Morrisons Rock Club" is very, very good. Again all seats have very good stage views and the lighting, whilst pretty dim, concentrates attention on the stage.

One thing that struck us straight away was the friendliness of the Service Staff. The speak extremely good English, are well presented and courteous at all times.

Gin & Tonic cost is 140 baht, the most expensive of the 3 clubs visited tonight. Measures in all clubs were about the same.

Lam appeared to be having some problems with the set up of his equipment and spent around 15 mins tuning his Guitar and adjusting the controls on his Amplifier. Since it was now way ofter midnight, I thought this strange. Had they only just begun playing their 'set'?

Once they did begin to play in earnest however, they proved to be a more than capable band. Lam himself was, of course' the centre of attention and was brightly lit in the relative darkness of the club. The rest of the band played in his shadow, literally.

The songs they played, were in the main instrumental. Additionally, the music choice was predominantly American Rock and not the traditional Guitar Rock classics that I (coming from the UK) am familiar. Though I have no point of reference, I have to say they were played with 'flair'.

Lam Morisson, Lam Morissons Rock Club, Soi Marine Plaza, Pattaya

Lam Morisson, Soi Marine Plaza, Pattaya

In conclusion and despite my original intentions of conducting a direct comparison of the three best Rock Clubs in Pattaya, I have to say that it would be unfair to pick a 'best' from these three bars.

Each has it's own 'charactor' and each will attract it's own customers and personal taste will decide that.

For me, my favourite is definately "The Climax Bar" for it's cheap drink prices and choice of music. That said, it's a place to sit, listen and appreciate well played Guitar classics.

Others may prefer the atmosphere of "The Blues Factory", if you are going out as a group then i'd probably recommend this place too. The music on my night was not to my personal taste, but it would make for a fun night as long as you wasn't too critical.

"Lam Morrisons Rock Club", is a place to go and see the 'Man' himself. It's all about him and you either like that or you don't. I don't know exactly what I expected, but to be honest I think I expected more.

As I have said though, there is no 1, 2 and 3 in this case as the bars cater for completely different audiences .... why not visit them all and see for yourself?

I cannot provide a 'Best' but I can say that there certainly is no 'Bad' amongst the three.

]]> Music Bars http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=78 Mon, 15 Oct 2007 19:54:13 +0700 Pattaya Nightmarch, bi-weekly roundup http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=76
After arriving in the early evening we went out for a quick and easy feed: partaking of the 99-baht fish-and-chips in Neeroys restaurant (Soi Chaiyapoon). Towards the end of his time here, and having quickly sorted out the relative value of prices in various boozers and munching dens, he told me, “That was a good place for the price we paid.” We later had the standard fish-and-chips dinner in Palmers nosh house (Pattayaland Soi 2) for 150 baht and it was excellent, once again proving great value for the price.

His eyes grew as wide as an owl on ecstasy as we wandered down Walking Street looking at sights and listening to sounds that surely are unique to Pattaya. The very first gogo we went into- which I won’t name because it happened to be short of what I believe will be its normal complement of chrome pole huggers and was having teething problems- proved a disappointment in his eyes. After all the hype he’d heard and read about the gogos of Pattaya and Bangkok he later told me he was decidedly unimpressed and wondered what all the fuss was about. A comment he made within a couple of minutes sitting in the den was one I’m pretty sure everyone has heard before: “Why don’t the girls actually dance and smile at the customers? They all look really bored and unhappy.” As someone else has remarked, the so-called coyote dancing dens employ damsels who move about the way chrome pole huggers used to in the early days of the gogo. As he noted, “If they smiled and inter-acted with the customers I’m sure they’d do really well.” Welcome to the dens of Thailand. We later travelled to Bangkok and visited the Rainbow II gogo in Nana Plaza and once more he noted how most of the dancers looked as if a smile would break their face.

We then went into the What’s Up agogo den of rubber and soap-suds (Soi 15) and he was blown away by the variety and quality of the entertainment. Perhaps that should read ‘bashed’ away as we sat next to the stage of women with rubber utensils and a couple of these seem to delight in using their faux phallic symbols to ‘assault’ customers. I’m sure this part of the den is hugely popular with British public school teachers and ex-pupils, civil servants, politicians and the odd retired vicar. “This is the place by which all the others will be judged as far as I’m concerned,” my friend said. By the time he left, after being disappointed by Nana Plaza and Sukhumvit Soi 4, it was the vibrancy of the dancers and the variety of the entertainment in What’s Up that stayed in his mind.
The Casino Club head-bangers auditorium (Soi Diamond) held a midnight dance contest on Sunday 9 September and my mate was among the judging panel. There were 23 dancers representing Casino Club and eight other contestants from Bangkok. The very first dancer, Khun Tooktah, from Casino Club was the most impressive and scored a deserved victory, collecting 3,000 baht. Two dancers, one of them from Bangkok, tied for second place with two other Bangkokians sharing in third prize money. Once again the energy and atmosphere within Casino Club combined to produce a very positive impression.

The Hell Club (Soi LK Metro) lived right up to its own publicity and reputation as a den of sensual pleasure. An hour and a half of playing hide-the-salami with a pair of supercharged mattress actresses left my friend as dry as the Gibson Desert. As he left he said he encountered a couple of potential customers who were still trying to decide whether they should, or shouldn’t, partake of the forbidden fruit inside. He said, “I told them they’d be mad not to try it.”

He enjoyed the Blues Factory (Soi Lucky Star) with its Filipina lead singer and band doing tunes such as ‘Proud Mary’ and ‘Simply the Best’. As a professional piano player/singer as well as running an entertainment agency, he said, “I’d had enough after about three-quarters of an hour. They were good, but 12-bar blues is 12-bar blues and there’s only so much you want to listen to.”

Surprisingly, he wasn’t impressed with the dancing of the coyote girls in the Secrets laid-back lounge (Soi 14). Admittedly, he was in the joint well after the witching hour and I’ve no doubt by then most of the short-shorts wrigglers were tired from their exertions and there weren’t many left to man the podiums.

The Beefeater restaurant in the little arcade running parallel to Soi Diana and the always-busy Cherry munching den (Third Road, opposite X-Zyte) were given high marks for the quality of their product and their overall value for money.

Down in Soi LK Metro, the Gorkle play palace proved to be pretty bland. While there were a reasonable number of chrome pole huggers cavorting about, it was the standard pressure to “buy me dlink” that really annoyed my friend. As we all know, this push to buy a damsel a drink applies to every place offering booze and ladies and he encountered it time and again during his stay.
We tried the Butcher’s Arms restaurant and pub (Soi Buakhow) for breakfast one morning and were satisfied with what it had to offer, but it was the Pattini café further down the road (opposite Soi 21) that was given the thumbs up for future breakfasts as the quality of its coffee ranks it among the best in Fun Town.

Finally, an old favourite haunt, the Boxing Roo beer boozer (Third Road, opposite Soi LK) played host to a couple of enjoyable parties. One of its key attractions, apart from two pool tables which are free for customers to use, is the boozer shows all the best of any sport. With the Rugby Union World Cup set down for decision

I’m happy to say my friend was impressed with our little sleaze-pit by the sea and will be returning, while he couldn’t care less if he ever sets foot in the Big Chilli again.

Who’s in Charge of the Asylum? Wandered into the long-running Paris gogo (Soi Diamond) on a lazy Saturday night recently and it was once more noticeable that when the whip-wielder (aka manager/owner) is away, the little creatures of the night will play…amongst themselves. That is unless there’s a walking wallet willing to empty his pockets of notes by way of buying lady drinks. The music was passable, but loud. There were about 25 dancers, which is not a bad total for a small den such as this, although the ever-widening girths of a number indicate the level they have reached on their path to affluence.

What’s becoming more clear as the years drift by and the number of dens of the chrome pole just keep on opening, is that no one place can now lay claim to having much more than a few truly physically attractive ladies of the shuffle. A place with 20-25 dancers, such as Paris or pretty much every other den in town barring about a dozen or so, might be able to suggest they have between three and five ‘good sorts’. Places with 40 or more girls, and especially the so-called show boozers, can legitimately claim they have 10 or maybe a few more.

He’s Back…Again: Khun Satit is one of Fun Town’s longest-running bar managers and operators and after spending some time running a fishing park, probably easier getting fish on a baited hook than attempting to get dancing damsels to do more than shuffle like shackled inmates at an old people’s home, he returned to Dracula-like hours in the Highway Star gogo (Beach Road, entrance to Walking Street). He then moved down to help out in the Sweetheart’s den on the main drag, but has more returned to Highway Star. The den now has a Jacuzzi –hardly unique these days- but desperately needs about 20 more damsels if it’s to look even remotely busy. Liver wasters are 110 baht after 10:00PM, which currently represents no value whatsoever considering the dearth of dancing talent. They have a 45-baht happy hour from 8:00PM and I would suggest that’s the time to wander in if you want to see what the place has to offer.

Hardly Wild or even Wet: One customer -a resident of Center Condo- two dancers and three sitting down, that was the sight I saw in the Wet N Wild gogo (South Pattaya Road) recently. I didn’t stay for a drink because I couldn’t see the point.When it opened as Blue Lagoon I thought it was pretty ordinary most of the time, but this looked absolutely desperate. The place is nicely appointed and probably has potential, but in these tough times I can’t see it doing very well.

Piece of Pith: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.]]> Pattaya Nightmarch http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=76 Thu, 27 Sep 2007 17:25:22 +0700 Those Naughty Girls in Soi Diamond, Pattaya http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=70
A bar owner friend and I had been to Jomtien to visit a couple of newly opened bars, but we remembered that there was a party for the Manager of Naughty Girls that evening and decided to drop by Soi Diamond (just off Walking Street) to pass on our Birthday Greetings.

As soon as we took our seats in Naughty Girls i'm imediately set upon by a 'hyperactive' Go-Go girl and a sultry service girl / hostess. I'm happy with both.

My friend Adam, seems quite happy to keep to his own company as once again nothing really 'works' for him .... anyway, i'm good.

I'm chatting away, interviewing both candidates etc. When I realise that these two are quite happy to go together .. happy days. Unfortunately, it's only around 8:45pm and I'd prefer to go home to change and eat, then meet them back here.

I say that i'm happy to barfine them both, but i'm going to come back before 10pm and I don't want the 'hyperactive' go-go to have anymore drinks ...... if she's 'maow' i'm not going to barfine her.

No problems they say.

SSS / Eat, and i'm back at Naughty Girls for 9:45pm

I buy a drink for my two new partners and pay bar at the same time. Unfortunately, it would appear that my instructions have not been adhered to because, as soon as miss go-go finishes her drink she stumbles back against the stage and falls into a crumpled heap on the floor.

Ok, I ask the service girl to go change and keep miss go-go with me for a chat. I explain that i'm not going to 'take' her, but i'm happy to pay bar. She's too drunk for me, but if she want's to go home or stay at the party. No problem, i'll still pay bar. She's happy.

I buy another round for her and her friend, another drunken go-go girl.

This is when my already barfined service girl returns (unchanged) and complains that I didn't buy a drink for her!

I explain that i'm not taking the dancer, only her. The dancer is drunk already so one more drink isn't going to change anything for me.

We are then joined by a Mamasan who tries to talk me into taking the dancer and in the meanwhile the service girl is still asking for a drink when she should be getting changed.

I now have 5 girls facing me and asking for drinks or attempting to talk me into barfining drunken girls. I try to explain that i'm not paying bar for anyone now, only my check bin and i'll leave. Sadly, it's just not sinking in.

Enough is enough, I look for Danny the Manager, sadly it's his party and he's a little worse for wear too. Then I spot the owner (forget the name) and decide to speak with him.

I say that I had arranged to barfine a dancer on the condition that she's not drunk when I return and that I'm trying to barfine a service girl who doesn't seem to be getting changed but keeps asking for drinks instead.

He hands me a 1k note.

No, I say, it's not a question of money or refunds etc. I just don't want either of the girls now ...... the 'mood' has obviously gone and I want to pay my check bin, without the barfines, and leave.

He's fine with that and I take my leave of Naughty Girls a-go-go.

However, I can't help wondering where it all went wrong.

My first time in Naughty Girls and I was actually impressed initially ....... sadly, it turns out that, for me anyway, they really are quite 'naughty' in all the wrong ways.
]]> Go Go Bars http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=70 Tue, 11 Sep 2007 10:08:44 +0700 The Penthouse Hotel, Soi Pattayaland 13/2 http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=28
It's not 'cheap' by any means, but it truly does represent the 'Ultimate' in Room Party Facilities and Luxury.

A friend and I had some cause for celebration during his last visit to Pattaya, and decided on throwing a little party of our own. Knowing the town pretty well now, I must admit that I did actually struggle to come up with a hotel that offered suiable facilities.

We had decided on inviting six girls to share our party fun, together with one service girl to keep the drinks flowing. All the girls were from the FLB bar on Walking Street, they knew each other and they knew us. A successful night was pretty much guaranteed.

However, all we needed was the room. The Vault Hotel on Pratamnak Road was the first to come to mind. It does have three 'Penthouse' rooms available, all with Dancing Poles, spacious accomodation and even a 'bar' in the room .... problem was, only the one bed.

We thought of one of the 'luxury' hotels in town (of which their are many), the LK Metropole came to mind. They too have 'Penthouse' suites available, all of which are double bedroom units with large outside area and 'hot-tub'. Tempting, but taking two guys and seven girls through the large marbled foyer and past the other guests didn't seem 'right' ...... just too 'rock n roll' for me.

Then it struck me, The Penthouse Hotel in Soi Pattayaland!

The Penthouse Hotel is located in the heart of Pattayaland, amongst the Go-Go's and Boy's Clubs so the hotel staff itself wouldn't even 'bat an eye' at our requests I was sure.

They didn't, though they did charge a 'joiners fee' for the extra three girls. Only two girls for every guest apparently. No problem, this was a 'No Expense Spared' night and the extra 1500 baht barely made an impression.

The Siam Royal Suite of The Penthouse Hotel, Soi Pattayaland
The decor of The Penthouse Hotel is probably not too everyones taste, I certainly couldn't put up with it for more than a couple of nights. However, it does add to the 'Fantasy' theme that the hotel is aiming for.

We selected the Siam Royal Suite which offers, two beds, 2 disco dance podiums, 2 'massage' (love) swings, 2 jacuzzi and 2 large Sony TV's (offering a selection of 'adult' channels and music channels, one channel even shows live streaming from the Kitten Club beneath the Hotel).

The two beds whilst being in the same room, were completely invisible to each other due to the rooms shape and the curtains which can be used to 'screen' off the beds and the jacuzzi etc.

One of the jacuzzi in The Penthouse Hotel's, Siam Royal Suite
From my experience, I find that I cannot recommend this hotel highly enough, service was friendly yet courteous and the rooms were exactly what we had in mind for our own private party.

In the Siam Royal Suite there is also a total of 4 minibars which, even though we did bring what I considered to be an 'ample' supply of drinks ...... were left completely empty.

Additionally, everything that you could possibly need during your stay was conviently arranged around the room. I'm talking toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo (for various hair types), body creams, lotions, shaving razors, condoms, KY, and much, much more. Everything and everybodys needs were catered for.

The Pool & Spa area of The Penthouse Hotel, Soi Pattayaland, Pattaya
However, the 'highlight' of our night was discovering that our room was only a very brief 'spiral staircase' walk away from the 'Pool & Spa' area.

A wonderful 'find' and it was certainly the 'clincher' on the deal regarding which hotel to select.

The Spa area offers the height of luxury, verging on decadence, we all loved it and had a very playful time there. The 'one-way' mirrors offering views into the Kitten Club Go-Go actually made our Fantasy Night, even more 'surreal'.

All in all, definitely the No.1 Party Hotel in Pattaya. As I have said, it is expensive (our minibar bill alone was over 4k baht!), but it should not be discounted because of this. You can rest assured that your money is well spent and you will have a night to remember for a considerable time to come.]]> Hotels http://www.pattayaparties.com/index.php?itemid=28 Mon, 3 Sep 2007 18:12:38 +0700